it hurts and it hurts bad.
there have been times when things havent gone my way. i have to admit, i'm not the best loser in the world, but never before did it hurt so bad. There have been dozens of instances, when i havent been upto the mark, be it in my efforts or dedication, but then i knew i deserved what i got most of the times if not all.

This time was the one time, i wanted it so bad, and i know i put in a lot of effort. Effort that i wouldn't have normally thought myself capable of. It was one whole week, i fucked up everything, that week, and little did i know then that was the week of fuck ups. It pains me when i think of it.
The worst part is i still cant put a finger at what went wrong. It could have been much easier, had i been able to decipher the mistake. I spend nearly a couple of hours brooding on this, and i'm lost for answers. they elude me.

There were times before engg. when i thought this was the wrong line to be in, and most times i console myself on that, but deep down i knw the fault is with me. Its me i guess, who needs an introspection. Times when i've blamed the whole world for every one of my failures are now a distant memory.
Never before, did failure hurt me so bad and i have no idea why this hurts so much. I am at a loss for words to describe the lows after this. Its pathetic and i'm surprised, that i let it matter to me so much. I wish i cld forget everything, but it aint gonna happen and i have to live with it.

Not once, not even, when i got that rejection letter from NUS or when i lost at ESPN, did i ever do this. But this time, it hurts and i hate admitting this.
But as i sit in the balcony still pondering, i cant hold back my tears any longer