Change....

Change
How does one define change ?
Is it something that happens gradually over time without you ever noticing it or can it be brought about by deliberately forcing yourself to ?
Is it really necessary in the scheme of things that define life ?
What if one never changed at all ? Would that even be possible ?

Well when someone says, u aren't receptive to change, well then i guess thats time to get your introspection shoes on. Someone did tell me that and that got me into denial mode. I was arguing that i can be as open to change as anyone on the planet. But then, am i really putting my money where my mouth is?

When i think about it, there are a million times when i didn't want change. I hated change. There were times when my neighbors changed, i hated it. I always preferred the previous ones even if they were the most hideous and devilish people, i ever knew. But then as time passes on, every things forgotten and its all pally.
Last time, i hated leaving school because i was scared of the change where i might meet new people, unknown ones. The fear of the unknown is something that i am riddled with, every time there is a need for change

I hate it when i have new teachers teaching me at the beginning of a semester. I guess i've always found comfort in things i know and am used to. Is that bad ?
Is it bad because i prefer the same thing over and over again ?
Well, honestly i dunno. I never thought its a big deal, but once when i look into it deeply i guess it does matter a lot.
Does that mean, my psyche is flawed ? or is something fundamentally wrong with me ?
Why am i so scared of it ? Why do i have to hide myself under a veil ? Why do i have to take pleasures in false securities ?
Those are questions to which, i would love answers to. But then something that u really want is always the hardest to get.

Maybe a reason for this is fact that i was never exposed to change throughout the early part of life. I studied in the same school for 13 years, then i had the same friends for over 10 years etc. I have always lived at the same place, then i have always done the same things, i have always had the same room and yeah i have always had the same parents :P
Is that something that defined my fear of change ?

There was one post of mine, where i did point out something about someone telling me how much I've changed etc. Then i did realize that i am quite different from what i was in my first year. I still hate those shoes i put on in my first year. I acted nerdy and geeky and shitty. I can still see the look on the faces of those production guys when they realize that i am a completely different person today then what i was then. Gosh! How i would hate being there again. It surely had to be one of the lows.
But then people who know me from then are appalled. Two hoots! I'd say.

I have always been the carefree one. Never gave a shit about anything and i know i never will. But then sometimes the sudden urge to do something is irresistible. It does scare me that even the small things can profoundly impact my attitude. But then I know tomorrow morning, I'll be all normal and would be laughing at this reaction of mine to that statement. Maybe that is what is wrong with me. I'd never take someone seriously enough till it ends with a monkey on my back.

Thats me.