Fuck up..

Why does it have to be me ?
Everytime i start out to do something, i end up inevitably screwing it. Why am i the one subjected to this mega mess up torture?

People trust me to do something and i inevitably end up letting them down. No matter what, its one of the worst feelings to sit and brood over a major screw up. Every time i wanted to do something good for her, i end up screwing it. She is understanding and highly supportive of what i do, but it hurts at the bottom. Somewhere something tells me, you suck.

But then there have been better times. Times spent in joy are easily forgotten but the bad ones linger around for more longer than can be deemed within the bounds of comfort. The uneasiness when u face someone u messed up for and the accompanying guilt is something that will never leave me. No matter how nice the she can be, no matter what she does to make u feel comfortable, somewhere down there i have this feeling that she deserves better.

Someone said keeping your head while everyone else around u is losing it, is something one should strive to achieve, but then what if u cant ? what if the impulse to follow the masses is so strong that u cannot resist it ? what if the urge to do it overshadows everything else in ur head at that moment ?
I know every single time, it was me who fucked up. There was always the better way to go about it but i never bothered to take the pains to find out and she never cared. But this time i knw it pricks everywhere and it was the worst thing i could ever have done, but sadly some part of me says it was something i couldnt help. Well i dunno if i could have done it all differently but its my fault. The worst part is shes accomodating about it and u knw that u are allowed to get away with it. Thats the part that makes this experience even more horrendous.

I apologize to everyone concerned. Its something thats been weighing on me throughout the evening, and yeah the apologies may not correct what has happened but i sure as hell would wanna tell them i am genuinely sorry.